Ep. 075 - A Very Fiery Christmas Podcast Special

Our latest holiday podcast episode covers the full gamut of Christmas cheer, weirdness and mayhem. Hosts James and Denise, along with Producer Phil, trade their most memorable Christmas stories - both good and bad - while also delving into some truly bizarre and unsettling tales of the season.

Things kick off with the hosts discussing their best Christmases. James recalls the year he finally reconciled with his estranged father over the holidays thanks to some encouragement from an old girlfriend. Denise fondly remembers the Christmas morning James proposed to her - even though he hadn't even met her parents yet! As for Phil, he says his best Christmas was recently being financially able to provide a nice holiday for his family.

Of course, no episode covering Christmas memories would be complete without the worst yuletide fiascos. Denise thoroughly traumatized herself one year by nearly killing her best friend's son Harry in a freak snowmobile accident. As she attempts to navigate icy terrain, the snowmobile flips end over end before crashing in an empty parking space. Other than some tears and spilled egg nog, Harry escaped unscathed. James managed to turn what should have been a heartwarming Christmas tale into a harrowing one when he rescued a new puppy from a breeder to gift his college girlfriend, only to get locked out of his freezing car with the helpless pooch inside. After a lengthy ordeal involving a police slim jim, a shattered window and howling winter winds, the dog ultimately survived - albeit a bit frosted around the furry edges.

As if those stories weren't sufficiently strange and stressful, things then take a very dark turn as Denise shares a horrific account of a Christmas massacre. The tale centers around a bitter divorcee named Bruce Pardo who donned a Santa suit and showed up at his former in-laws house on Christmas Eve in 2008. He proceeded to shoot his ex wife's niece point blank when she opened the door before methodically massacring her entire family. His killing spree was interrupted when the fuel tank in his flame thrower-style weapon exploded, horribly burning him. Police later found Pardo dead from a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head.

After that chilling crime story, the hosts lighten the mood by discussing the eternal debate over whether Die Hard qualifies as a Christmas movie. The merriment continues with talk of bizarre real-life cases of convicted sex offenders getting hired to play mall Santas. Denise laments the fact that 15% of professional Santas died or retired in 2021 alone thanks to COVID risks and their advanced age. Of course, the holiday high jinks wrap up with the hosts weighing in on their favorite and least favorite Christmas films. From classics like A Christmas Story and It's a Wonderful Life to dark horses like the Keanu Reeves action flick Constantine, the gang runs the Yule gamut.

While this podcast episode may seem unorthodox, it encapsulates many of the emotions and experiences we tend to encounter over the holidays. Christmas is a time for families and friends reconnecting. It's also prone to high hopes and expectations that don't always work out thanks to relentless holiday pressure. The fact that a seemingly innocent season centered around peace, love and understanding also sees a rise in depression, anxiety and even crime reveals the surprising duality of human nature.

But ultimately, no matter what form our Christmas nostalgia or trauma may take, the podcast reminds us that we all share more common ground than we realize. The hosts are three people with very different backgrounds and life stories. Yet by the end, through their openness and humor, they discover that many holiday hopes, disasters and tragedies are in fact universal.

So if you find yourself dismayed over a burnt turkey, squabbling relatives or even just nostalgic melancholy this Christmas, have a listen. You may just find that listening to other folks tales of Christmas past provides some much-needed comfort, solidarity and laughter. It certainly worked for James, Denise and Producer Phil. From the first cheerful chuckle to each dark twist and turn, their madcap holiday podcast ultimately reveals that the Christmas spirit is alive and well - even if the holiday season brings out both the saintliest and strangest in all of us.

10 Fun Facts About Christmas Around The World

1. In Japan, Kentucky Fried Chicken is a highly popular Christmas meal thanks to a wildly successful KFC marketing campaign launched in 1974.

2. Norway donates a towering Christmas tree to London's Trafalgar Square every year to thank the Brits for helping Norway during World War II.

3. Ukraine's main Christmas tree is traditionally decorated with...spiders and spider webs. According to legend, spiders brought good luck by spinning ornate webs around a poverty stricken family's bare tree to cheer them up.

4. "St. Nick's Pick" is a traditional pick-a-gift game played at Christmas gatherings in the Philippines. Players choose from random wrapped presents with humorous consequences.

5. Carols' by Candlelights concerts held on Christmas Eve are wildly popular in Austria and other European nations. The first one stemmed from Austrian World War I troops moved by impromptu holiday singing.  

6. Mrs. Claus has her own name in Russia: Grandmother Winter.

7. Santa is believed to travel to New Zealand in a waka, the traditional Maori canoe, since very few homes have chimneys.

8. Every year the hardscrabble oil town of Mundaring, Australia erects extravagant Hollywood-style Christmas lights dubbed the "Parade of Lights" to boost holiday spirits.

9. Christmas pudding was originally a soup containing raisins and wine in 13th century England before gradually evolving into dessert.

10. Over 20,000 people gather annually in Medellín, Colombia for the "Alumbrados Navideños" (Christmas Illuminations) featuring dazzling 2 mile cape of holiday lights draped down surrounding hills.

10 Odd Or Funny True Christmas Crime Stories:

1. A Florida man was arrested for using a "Santa Bomb" confetti tape packed with clean urine to try and cheat his drug test at probation. Spoiler: It didn't work. 

2. In 2018, Australian police ended up in a brief but intense shootout at the mall...with a man dressed as Santa. He was later found to be an outlaw biker gang member. Miraculously, the worst injury was a single bullet grazing Mrs. Claus's leg.

3. A professional Santa impersonator named Calvin Carver of Texas has been arrested no less than 43 times when off duty. His offenses include smoking crack in a motel and trying to solicit sex from an elf.

4. A man attempted to rob a California jewelry store dressed as Santa...only to discover all the store employees were dressed as elf mannequins decking the display cases. Hilarity and eventual arrest ensued.

5. A stoned college student in Maine got his beard stuck for two days in a dorm hallway heater vent while trying to sneak into his girlfriend's room in a red suit and fake beard.

6. A 50 year old North Carolina house burglar stripped down to just his boxers branded with a Santa face when surprised by the returning homeowners...then wedged himself in the dog door trying to escape. 

7. Police near Portland had to Taser a belligerent naked man who claimed to be Santa after he slid down the chimney and startled an elderly woman in her living room.  

8. A guy in Arkansas broke into a liquor store via the chimney clad only in a Santa costume and got wrecked for two days on pilfered wine and beer before being found passed out amid the debris.

9. In a story ripped from the pages of Home Alone, authorities caught a man robbing houses while homeowners were out at Christmas parades after recognizing his face from a TV clip of him shouting "Merry Christmas!"

10. A Florida man with a lengthy rap sheet dubbed "Santa Jack" would only commit his burglaries while wearing a St. Nick suit as an odd criminal signature. Police dubbed him "Bad Santa" when he was finally caught.